Wufei's Mysterious Monkey
by Pilot-Duo
Summary: Duo POV, kinda random. Duo talks about Wufei's "monkey".


((I do not own Gundam Wing, blah blah blah. Taken from Duo's POV. Kinda sorta almost not really Wufei-bashing. Just depends on how you look at it. I wouldn't call it bashing, but still, some people just can't take jokes *shrugs*. The idea for this story was just random, but a friend of mine helped me with more ideas for this in class. *smirks*))  
  
"Wufei's Mysterious Monkey"  
  
*camera rolls. An image of Duo appears before the camera*  
  
*ahems* We all know Chang Wufei; the guy who pilots the Shenlong Gundam- known to him as Nataku. The guy who came from the L5 colony. The Chinese dude. The guy who has a three foot stick up his a-  
  
Whoops, almost lost myself there. *laughs nervously* Well, anyways, you know who I'm talking about, right? As I said, we all know 'em. Or at least, we THINK we do. Did you know that he's a virgin? Or that he secretly LOVES the movie 'Mulan'? Or that he. *looks around himself, then whispers softly to the camera* . has a monkey?  
  
Yes, you heard me right, ladies and gentlemen. Chang Wufei owns a pet monkey. Now, why he decided to keep the damn thing nobody knows. Hell, as far as I know, hardly ANYBODY'S seen his monkey. But thanks to yours truly, the secret of Wufei's monkey can now be exposed! *grins *  
  
Lemme first start off by saying that Wufei named his monkey "Big Ben". This is kinda ironic, because Big Ben isn't even big at all. That thing's so small, it fits right into the palm of his hand! I think it's a spider monkey of some kind. Anyways, Wufei's monkey is not only small, it's head is bald. Yes, the head is bald. There's no hair. None whatsoever. I don't know if Wufei shaved it, or the monkey got caught in something that practically shaved off it's scalp, but your guess is as good as mine.  
  
Another thing about "Big Ben" is that that lil' thing has a birth defect. When it tries to stand erect, it goes right back down, limp as a noodle. It's defect is called 'spinal bifida', I think. That's where your spine won't allow you to stand up straight. I think that that annoys Wufei. I mean, wouldn't you be too if your monkey couldn't stand erect?  
  
Oh yeah, Wufei's monkey only has one eye, too. Either that or it just has a kick ass case of lazy eye. I remember when I was in the kitchen one time, and outside of Wufei's bedroom door, his monkey peeked out at me! I was like, "OH SHIT WHAT IS THAT?!" I think I scared it, 'cause it ran right back inside. Or maybe it was just winking at me? But why would Wufei's monkey be winking at me?!  
  
Well, ever since Wufei found his monkey in the shower, he's been almost obsessed with it. Yeah, when he was gonna take a shower one morning, he found the lil' thing staring up at him in the shower! I guess he felt bad for it or something- AFTER it scared the shit outta 'em. Heh, I remember him running out of the bathroom, ass naked, yelling, "IT'S SMALL!! IT'S BALD!! WHAT THE HELL IS IT?!" Before me or any of the other guys could go in to investigate, Wufei ran back in and shut the door, probably ashamed that we saw him butt naked, or something. I dunno. I was kinda surprised that he had no stick sticking outta his a-  
  
*coughs* Almost lost myself there again. Anyways, after that incident, I think he grew a fondness for that monkey and decided to keep it. He immediately took it to the vet for a check up and rabies shot. After that, he's kept it in his room and would only allow certain people to see his monkey. Hell, he won't even let it go play outside by itself! I think that the only people who've seen his monkey are Sally and Trieze. I keep forgetting to ask them how Wufei's monkey looks.  
  
Like I said, Wufei became almost obsessed with his monkey. He went out and bought all kinds of things for it, besides food and shampoo (I think his monkey likes bananas the best), like a de-wormer, a big, blue ball, a collar with "BIG BEN" written on it, flea bath, and some kinda medicine for it. This was because one time, Big Ben got sick. Man, that got Wufei insanely worried. That guy wouldn't even stay put! He just kept pacing back and forth, worrying about the wellness of his monkey. Anyways, from what I gathered, his monkey was spitting up some kinda white substance, which I don't think was very healthy for something so small.  
  
Oh yeah, I also found out that Wufei strangely sings to his monkey.  
  
Even though he loves his monkey to death, Wufei also hates it with a passion. I remember walking by his room one time, and I SWEAR he was beating his monkey! I was kinda concerned and debated whether or not I should investigate, but I decided not too. I might've seen something's I wouldn't have liked to see. *shudders*  
  
Also, I've heard him yell at his monkey a few times too. "GO BACK IN YOUR HOLE!" or "CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF!" and even, "I'LL CHOKE YOU!" I don't know, but it seems like that monkey puts up with quite a lot. I have the urge to yell at him, "YOU SHOULDN'T BEAT YOUR MONKEY SO HARD!"  
  
Heh, I remember when Wufei's monkey got caught in saran wrap one time. Wufei was yelling at the poor thing like it was the monkey's fault! I don't know if it was or not, but still! Take it easy on the monkey! It doesn't know any better!  
  
Overall, Wufei has a "love/hate" relationship with Big Ben. He loves to hate it and yet hates to love it, I guess-  
  
*Wufei and Quatre walk in*  
  
Quatre: *looks at Duo, then to the camera and waves* Hello~!  
  
Wufei: *stares at camera, then looks to Duo, then back to the camera, seeing that Duo was all alone* . Dare I even ask?  
  
*looks to Wufei* What are you implying, pervert?!  
  
Wufei: Nothing at all. I'm not the one who jacks off while watching "Hamtaro".  
  
*GLARES* What's THAT supposed to mean?!  
  
Quatre: So what are you doing, Duo?  
  
*laughs nervously* Ah, nothing really. Just talkin' to myself-  
  
Quatre: Are you telling the camera about Wufei's monkey?  
  
*freezes*  
  
Wufei: . My what?  
  
Quatre: *blinks* Duo said that you have a pet monkey, Wufei.  
  
Wufei: *GLARES at Duo* Oh, I do, do I? *walks slowly towards Duo*  
  
Quatre: Yes! He said that you named it 'Big Ben', it's tiny, bald, and has only one eye. Is that true, Wufei?  
  
Wufei: *eyes widen, turns scarlet up to his ears* W-WHAT??!!  
  
*laughs nervously again, edging towards the door* Heh, I, uh, think I have to go somewhere-  
  
Wufei: INJUSTICE!!!! *runs after Duo, who has run out of the door, laughing maniacal*  
  
Quatre: .Wufei has no monkey? *blinks innocently, walks up to the camera, then turns it off*  
  
((Eh, that was random. *shrugs*)) 


End file.
